Hello and welcome back to this hot mess of a blog. In the slightest chance that a regular is reading this, I have no idea why you’re still here and I love you for that. I hope both sides of your pillow will always feel cool.
I’m in Kuantan, Pahang right now, visiting my grandparents from my mum’s side. They are doing great alhamdulillah, although Mummy said that TokNde (grandma) “doesn’t have that much energy anymore.” Not going to lie, that sounded kind of sad but I guess everyone will go through old age eventually.
Malaysia’s interstate borders are open again so my family decided to surprise my grandparents with a 5-day reunion in Kuantan. Now if you’re thinking “Dude, why are you travelling in a Malaysian endemic” which you’re probably not, it’s because 1) inter-state travelling is not against the law and 2) we haven’t had a real reunion in AGES. Also, important thing to note that we did a self-Covid test before going and all results came back negative. Alhamdulillah.
The thing I want to write about today is a constant observation I have since young. And I’m a bit hesitant to bring this up at first because it is quite controversial as it involves family relationships. A quick disclaimer before we go further: This is not a reflection of my family in particular, rather it’s my own opinions based on situations I’ve witnessed from literally everywhere I go. Families in general.
I have questions. Would you call your friends names they don’t like just to spite them? Would you yell at your friends when you’re angry? Would you ignore your colleagues when they call you (in person) just because you don’t feel like responding? Would you use harsh words to strangers because it’s “normal?”
I think it’s ironic how we normalized being rude and disrespectful to the people closest to us. People who we supposedly love the most. And no, not every family is like this. I have seen families who are very civil and patient to each other and they are very rare indeed. So rare that if I come across these types of families, I will definitely be awestruck as to how these people exist. HOW? Or how lucky.
Now the real question is, why is there a stark difference in behavior when we communicate with outsiders vs with our own family? Is it because we think the people we see every day are desensitized with the ugly side of our personality? Or is being horrible to our “loved ones” an everyday occurrence that it has become second nature?
There are countless examples in life that you may have seen before. Brothers and sisters bullying each other, parents emotionally abusing children, children disrespecting their parents and my kind of a nightmare; marital abuse.
And the most unfortunate thing about toxic behaviors in families is that it only happens behind closed doors. And if the cat did get out of the bag, the situation needs to achieve a certain level of danger before outside intervention happens or else outsiders would just dismiss that as ‘family issues.’ It’s a common societal rule that you shouldn’t stick your nose into other families’ businesses and while it is the right thing to do, it gives way for the continuous abuse and emotional damage without limits.
This tragic reality is a pattern we allowed to happen. If situations as grave as abuse are constantly being turned a blind eye to, then what of the mildly disrespectful behavior we portray every day to our loved ones? Abuse doesn’t happen on a whim; it’s a result of allowing casually cruel acts to accumulate until physical and emotional damage transpires.
This took a dark turn…. Sorry….
So how do we overcome this? Maybe let’s start analyzing our actions with our family first. How we talk to them, how we treat them. You’d be surprised to realize that you’ve always been yelling at your younger siblings. Or that you’re used to using ill-mannered words with your parents. Or you’ve been rude to your spouse. Take a mental note of how we act we them and them with us. What are the actions that should be continued, discontinued or improve?
Then when we have created enough level of awareness, try to implement alternate approaches when we’re in a similar situation. Let’s say you used to yell at your siblings, now try to use better language (with added patience of course). Yes, change is tough but it’s necessary if you want a higher quality of family life in the long run. In years from now, you might be able to bring this new conscious way of thinking into a future family of your own 🙂
Let me end this post with a quote I found somewhere,
“You may not come from a happy family but make sure a happy family comes from you.”
Hope you have a great week ahead x
The Soya Bean 